Heart ache

I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year and four months. Actually, I did it exactly two weeks from today, but a week ago from Saturday, I had to re-break up with him. It was terrible. I have to admit, it was much more heart-breaking for me after the second break-up, possibly because that one was actually in person. Nevertheless, I broke his heart and mine in the process.

Now, the million dollar question: Why did you break up with him, Naomy?

The more and more I think about it, the more I realize, I simply don’t know. I had a perfect reason when I broke up with him: I realized our relationship was unbalanced and he cared more for me than I did for him. But in these past two weeks, I feel like everything has shifted. I’ve had to recognize some hard truths about myself.

Like what? Well, that I didn’t care for him the way I should have, in a Christ-like way. My focus was on the attraction, the zeal and excitement and got distracted with men that provided that pure physical distraction. I realized that after my first destructive relationship before him, he came in and served me as a rebound. It sounds terrible, but I didn’t do it intentionally. I was hurting and suffering, and he literally swept me off my feet, and despite the gratitude that I felt towards his part in healing my heart, I didn’t look at him with the same Love the Lord demonstrates to us. Love is much more than the physical attraction, and what I realized was that I thought I was capable of loving someone and marrying them, but in actuality, my “love” was shallow and superficial.

So now I pray for God to change my heart into one like His. I pray for Him to provide not who I want based on the desires of my flesh, but who I NEED.

I recognize now, that after much thinking and deliberation, I want James. I want my boyfriend back. I can see my life with him, my future….being pregnant with him, traveling together, loving each other, doing nothing together…I can see it all. But, I admit, there are a little hiccups.

One, I just broke up with him. Yeah….awkward. Two, I couldn’t marry him because He doesn’t know Christ.

However, these “problems” aren’t really problems. See, when I rebroke his heart on Saturday last weekend, he explained to me a thorough process that the Lord was driving him through. This break-up served to light a fire in his soul to search for Christ, something I’m still amazed to think about. He finished reading one of my favorite books, Redeeming Love, and it captured and changed his perspective. It appears that James has found himself on the road to salvation and when God starts working in someone’s life, He is faithful until the end.

In addition, yeah, I broke up with him. But considering the changes in his heart and the lack of maturity on my part, this breakup is serving dual purposes. I don’t think either of us were ready. James worshiped me and didn’t know Christ, and I pridefully considered myself a mature loving woman ready for a real relationship, but didn’t know what Love truly meant and lacked growth in Christ.

Now, I feel that God healed my heart from my past destructive relationship, and from my insecurities about my image. I now know that the Lord can provide someone for me perfect in every way, so I no longer feel hopeless in a relationship because I just can’t “find anyone else.” Before, with James, it almost felt like I had no choice but to be with him. He was romantic, comforting, sensitive, perfect, but he was also my only hope. Now, I don’t feel that. There are so many other men in the world that find me attractive, but the difference is that now, I choose James.

I want to just scream at him, “Wait for me!” and to tell him to buy a Disney pass because we will be able to go again someday, together. But right now, I need to wait. God is working wonders I cannot imagine in both our lives, and He will determine the time to come back together, if it is in fact His Will. I think it is, because I don’t feel worried over the fact that James stopped texting me and cut me out of his life.

Back in grade school, I liked this boy that everybody told me not to like. The first day of class, I see him and immediately developed a crush on him, but it didn’t make me go crazy. I knew deep down that I just needed to wait and that it was just a matter of time until he fell for me – I even prayed about it. And it was, by the middle of the year, he asked me out (I know right, in grade school??).

I don’t feel nervous, but do have that feeling, that it’s just a matter of time. My hope is that I will not have to look back at this post and think, “Wow, I really messed up with my thinking.” Haha.