Struggle.

I have been struggling a lot lately…in case that was not clear. Always in a constant state of reflection, I seriously believe I have struggled quite a bit with depression lately. I am no medical professional, but I have been in this state of darkness more often than not lately, and I am starting to recognize it more and more.

Sadly, I could never talk about this to anyone, especially my parents. I believe they were one if not the source of this sudden downfall in my life, so I definitely cannot speak to them about them on those terms. But in addition, they would not understand. They view depression as just something that you can easily work through and with mental power and prayer and faith, voila! Cured.

Yes, I believe Jesus is the healer of all things, and nothing is a challenge for Him. However, everyone responds to things different, and challenges are brought to us in different forms.

I have been reading this book my sister gave me for my birthday last year, Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God. I read it a bit back then, but it hadn’t hit home until now. The first chapter is called, “Why are you so afraid?” It was like the author was speaking directly to my heart.

Anyway, this Chrisian woman talks about her life struggle and how she actually has a psychiatric breakdown and had to see a therapist and take medicine. She spoke about how her closest friends basically left her because of the stigma mental disease has in Christian culture. I knew that about my parents, so I could relate in that sense. But I couldn’t relate until now.

I have been struggling with my ex-boyfriend. He is in Ohio, so it’s not like he is very present in my life. But like I told someone this week, if I knew what I know now, we would not have broken up and it would have worked out. I messed up, for lack of knowledge and maturity possibly, but I am having a ton of buyer’s remorse. Even more, I dread having a conversation with him about a potential future, despite encouragement from certain friends, because I have done things in these past six months that do not merit any sort of forgiveness from him.

What about Jesus?

Well, if my sister and parents can’t forgive me? How can I expect James to?

So undeniably sad. Makes me bawl like a baby.

I think it is time to go run and clear my mind.