I experienced an emotional rollarcoaster last fall and winter. After October and my friends wedding, I underwent a discovery to realize how emotionally unsound I had become. I broke up with a guy, but because I never fully dealt with the aftermath and the hurt, I was not prepared internally for meeting someone else and the chaos that ensued from that meeting. In addition, I propelled myself through an never-ending storm of self-doubt and depression, and of regret and denial, that led me to a final culmination when I met with my ex-boyfriend in December 2014.
About a five month delay from our initial break up in May 2014, I mourned the loss of my relationship for a long time. It was such a relief to meet up, lay all the cards on the table, and walk away, realizing I had done the right thing for me since the beginning. Despite being convinced once that he was my forever Prince Charming, I realized I could never look back.
And as a product of society, I had to document it on instagram of course! My picture is attached, but the caption is as follows:
Can honestly say I have no regrets. I brought everything to the table, spoke truthfully, told my deepest feelings, accepted all responsibility for my mistakes, and did my best doing now what I didn’t do in my past. Can’t change the past, but I can do something about my present and I did. It didn’t work out, but I can walk away proudly. Can’t speak for other people though. #ventpost #sorrynotsorry
Walking away, I was quite proud of myself. I really opened up and said things I never thought I would say to a boy about how I felt. The good, and the bad, and the ugly? It was definitely an ugly moment, haha, for me. But you know what? I did everything I could in that moment to do better for my future and I was so honest, I still cringe thinking about the things I said.
But you know what? Someone is going to love me one day and they will appreciate the depth of my emotions and vulnerability. And instead of just watch me unfold in an origami of darkness, this man will meet me there and just hold me. Emotions are a beautiful thing, and flow so strongly in my veins and I will not apologize for it. Get on my level, or get out!
Anyways, that was a side tangent…
After December, I had to pick up the pieces. I began at a new store in retail, and I began a new job at the hospital. I rediscovered “someone else” but it was not the same after the family drama from last summer. I bought a new car, which has been a small dream of mine, and I am reapplying for Grad School. I met another man (although I fear our romantic future is at a quick end), and rediscovered a handsome old friend of mine with potential for the future? I dare not say. I got a gym membership, and am currently enrolling myself to go to community college. So much has happened in five months.
So much hurt and healing, but it is slowly coming together. ❤