#foreveralone

I say #foreveralone quite a bit. Always a tongue-in-cheek expression and always just poking at my situation.

Generally, I’m pretty good at denial and just shoving all my feelings down my throat into some dark abyss in my soul. But as of late, I’ve just been struggling. These last two weeks, man, I seem to have been struggling quite a bit.

It began with work just be OVERWHELMING last week. Just mountains and mountains of patients coming in, and getting sick myself with this funky respiratory thing that just puts a dark cloud over everything. Monday I was suppose to go hiking, but feeling under the weather, I just rain checked. Tuesday through Thursday were just tough. Work was ridiculous with the aforementioned waves of human bodies littering the Emergency Department, but I also had two very tough rehearsals for my dance production. One on Tuesday and one on Thursday.

Now I love dancing. Absolutely adore it. But Tuesday, I was already under the weather kind of, sleep deprived, and also beat from the work day before, that I seriously almost broke down in the class towards the end. I had tweeked my back and my knee, and already being on egg shells, I just almost tipped over. Luckily, I had some opportunities to hold my breath and collect my thoughts before melting in a puddle of pitiful tears on the wooden floor.

This mood kind of just carried into the weekend throughout work, and it didn’t help that we kept getting slammed at work, and that I was specifically involved with the areas in the Emergency Room. I could literally feel the stress just oozing over my shoulders and trapezius (which is where I keep my stress).

On Saturday, I actually went to the gym to do some cardio to train for my half marathon. But of course, I can’t get passed the first mile because I was so darn sore in my right quad from Thursday night’s rehearsal. Just the one quad. Not both. So I was literally limping after I started running Mile #2.

I went to the gym though, right? Bravo. Except I got sick the very next day. AGAIN.

SERIOUSLY? Yes. I am serious.

So yesterday, I literally did not do anything except take medicine and clean my room. I am terrible at eating healthy while I am sick, so I am sure that doesn’t help. But I am not looking forward to tomorrow, as I need to wake up super early and probably help the ED again. I cannot describe the dread that is sitting heavy on my heart right now.

Anyways, I now sit forever alone on my bed writing a blog post that no one will read. I’m just in a funk.

A funk that doesn’t even go away with dancing. It sucks when I can’t help but feel my age during class because everyone except one other guy is younger than me. Yes, I know I am twenty-six and that is still “super young” apparently. But the oldest person after me is 22 and the youngest is 17. Not to mention there is clear favoritism with the instructor and some of the girls/guys. Today we paired up into our partners and that is where I could see the favoritism. Maybe I am not happy with my choice, but I cannot help but feel like the black sheep of the group. No real prior dance experience, old, achy, always in pain, and out of shape. Oh and did I mention I am the biggest girl there? Talk about the perfect source for esteem issues.

I haven’t lost a single pound in a while. I stopped eating sugar, I started exercising more regularly, eating better, and dancing. But nothing changed. Nothing! Such a huge disappointment. And even though I am stronger now, I just can’t help but feel super discouraged and super in tune to all my original insecurities that in reality have never left. My mother keeps telling me that I look skinnier or that I’m probably just gaining pounds of muscle, but in reality, those just sound like excuses to me. Bah.

Just thinking about everything these last two weeks makes me lonely. I just feel so lonely. Nobody to vent to or to just hang out with. I mean T is always willing to hangout, but it has to be so secretive all the time, and he just cancelled on me for Thursday shopping trip that I will now have to do alone. And N is always willing to hang out too but our schedules are just so different, and I always feel like a terrible friend to her. I can’t pinpoint why, but it might be because I am an impatient shopper. I hate taking my time at place.

Anyways, I know that Jesus should be enough. “His grace is enough.” Why can’t it just be so? Why do I have to feel miserable first before it can get better?

I know in my brain that Jesus is always with me, but why do I still feel lonely?

Alright, rant sesh is officially over. Cheers.