Alone.

Has there ever been a moment when you love your friends so much you might just do everything for? You get so excited to hang out or see them again, it doesn’t matter how long you have to drive or at what time, or anything really, because you know that friendship is more than just money. The time you give someone is more valuable than anything else because you can never get it back.

So why do I feel like I am always alone in this boat? 

I can’t say this about #niknayBAE because she lives like ten minutes away, and because she’s selfless to the core. But we also have not lived far from each other to know for certain what would happen. Based on everything I know though, she would definitely drive out to see me. My other friend lives across the continent, so this doesn’t apply there either.

But the rest of the people I know are all in or around my hometown. Maybe an hour away. No, that in my opinion, is NOT too far away to maintain any kind of relationship. It was too burdensome for my ex to deal with and truthfully, that led to our demise.

But the more I think about it, I realize in the last THREE YEARS, I have had ONE friend come visit me to spend the night (and then we lost touch for almost a year), and my ex who also spent the night one winter to visit. Both of which were in the first year of moving out here. So the last two years have been deathly quiet.

That is so sad to me. Being totally honest, it hurts me to the core. I make multiple trips out to my hometown, and would make more if I actually had a reason to. I hardly go anymore because I feel like I have no reason to, except that some of my best friends live out there. But let us be real here, no time is made to see me, so why even bother? I don’t. I have stopped asking like I use to, I don’t make much of an effort.

But why stop? Aren’t these people important to you?

Yes. But when you’re not met with the same enthusiasm or effort from the other side to meet with you, you start avoiding the rejection. You start avoiding it at all costs because it’s easier to  avoid it than admit to yourself that you are not as important to them as they are to you.

I was sitting in my bathroom thinking about this with tears in my eyes. Yes, it hurts, but what also hurts is the almost desperation I felt to have that same appreciation I have for some of my closest friends be felt for me and about me. And I don’t have that. I am constantly looked over for other people or things, and that is a sad reality.

I ask myself, “Wouldn’t it be easier to just be alone?”

I think so. Yet, the loneliness has a way of making you feel less of  a person sometimes. It’s a never ending circle. But I do feel better now. A short cry, a little rant post, and a date with my pal, JIM (aka gym) will do the trick. Maybe I’ll eat some ice cream since I had another successful week following my meal prep, and since I’ll have a night alone tonight.

Regretfully yours,

N.