Heartbroken, but still I love you.

I am sure many women can connect to those sentiments I so ardently feel coursing through my veins, “You broke my heart, but I love you still.”

I actually have never been here before. That is, until now.

How do I know that I so truly love someone?

Well, it stops becoming this self-centered idea of “he hurt me” or “what about me?” or “how does he benefit me?” Those are still very important questions to ask, but to truly love someone? I never ever thought I would get to that point. I looked at other people’s realtionships and realized, I do not think that I could ever feel that way for someone.

I have had my fair share of people that have made my heart skip beats and that have truly affected me in so many ways at the beginning. The butterflies, and the so called honeymoon period, but I never understood what comes after that. The sacrifice and the daily, if not constant, decision to love someone unconditionally. I understand it in my head, but to actually understand it in my heart is just unfathomable.

Then I decide to go to Yosemite this week, after tragedy hits–Boy decides to date someone else while I’m given the impression that we are “back together.” Yeah, big blow to my heart. Unfortunately, if you’ve ever envision a girl crying herself to sleep? Well, that’s me.

So, you might ask, “Why on earth haven’t you kicked him to the curb?”

Because Jesus is telling me to love him.

That might sound ridiculous. But the way I love that man now is the story of legends. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would love some one in unselfish way that I am being called to do. To sit and apologize for my harsh words, and for my past mistakes, is something I never imagined myself ever doing. To humble myself before a man that is not capable of caring for my heart in the most tender of ways, is unfathomable. To finally understand that a relationship of love is about teamwork and fighting the world together, is so unreal.

But imagine all that, and then realizing that the feeling is not mutual. It’s single sided. Yet Jesus still tells me, “Love him. Don’t run.”

I DON’T GET IT.

I know that Jesus will not put me to shame if I put my trust in him. I have no choice but to do so. I have no strength, and truly, I would just be such an asshole to him for hurting me so much. But here I am still, fighting the good fight.

It is definitely a story to be continued. Big things are happening and despite my calamity…I look forward to the beauty that will rise from my heart broken.