The guy I pined over for the last 2.5 years is finally out of my life.
Not completely, as we still work together and I will undoubtedly run into him. But he is finally out of my life.
I had already begun to feel some sense of freedom when things went south with us about a month ago. But now, I really do feel unburdened and unchained. Yesterday I was overjoyed and was wildly relieved.
Today, I feel disconcerted. I feel a little lost and maybe still in shock. I feel like I was left in some deserted area with nothing but…nothing. No clothes, no nothing, just naked. It is a weird sense of vulnerability that I feel wrapping around myself and I feel so timid to take my first couple of steps.
Back to limbo I go. Back to a crossroads but unable to decide which way to take.
On another note, I have never felt so much wrath towards another person. This dick decided to get back with me, date someone else without telling me first, and then doesn’t tell me AT ALL that it is someone we both work with and know and I have to find out on my own. This is a man that I fell in love with and made me believe that he loved me too. This is the man I called family and my best friend, that we underwent a LOT of emotional struggles with outside forces, and the guy that made me most comfortable in my skin, and made me feel safe.
I would think I would have garnered enough respect from him to first, not only APOLOGIZE for everything (which to this day he has not), but to have the decency to tell me he was dating someone else BEFORE anything happened between us, or to give me a heads up on who it was.
Don’t people know that the right thing to do is be straight forward and honest?? Would I have preferred to hear this all from his mouth?? Absolutely!! I would have respected him SO MUCH MORE despite the hurt. He would have been a mature human being that accepts that he makes mistakes but is trying to make the most of the situation and is trying to do right by me and with respect. But NOPE. Wrong again. He just added salt to the wound.
Why the FUCK do I have to be the only one that fights for someone? That I swallow my pride and open up, and bend over backwards for someone??
I am so SICK of bullshit. I am so sick of boys parading as men who cannot be honest with themselves much less with me, and who expect so much in return without giving anything in return.
I have been shaking with wrath since yesterday and I do not know what to do with myself. I seriously want to slap him so hard, and destroy his stuff. This is so unlike me, but wow, he really did unleash a beast. Lord, help me! I feel like I am getting out of control. This anger paralyzes me and I am trying my best not to see red.
What an asshole.