I did not feel like going. Not one bit. The resistance filled me like certain dread that did not quite come to its true form. We have to drive all seven hours to the state capitol just for one night and drive back the very next day. I have been getting use to long drives with my dad, but this time, it did not even bug me that it was with him. I just did not want to go at all. I was pissed the night before. I wanted to be left alone. But why? I just pushed it out of my mind.
Still, I had to face this. THE moment I had been working three long years for was suddenly upon me, and quite frankly, it was anti-climatic. I thought I would feel something difference, but honestly, I was not nervous at all. I just knew I had to get through the day to make this moment real and tangible. To be able to look back and say, “It’s over.” It was a moment that was long overdue.
As I walked in, I did get a little nervous. To be honest, I felt I was about to stroke out when I had to give my little two minute speech in our small groups. But I will admit to being a tad jittery at first because I did not know what to expect. However, as soon as I sat down and began chatting to the girls that began to trickle in, I was fine.
I am NOT as antisocial as I realized. I could hold my own in a conversation about our alma mater and where we lived. Turns out, I was one of maybe three or four distinct hispanic (by observation only of course) in a room full of about or over 60 people. And I was seemingly the only one I talked to that came from a CSU. Yippee #madeintheCSU 😉 Anyhow, it was interesting to see how internalized everyone was about the process and nervous. I felt the natural instinct to be intimidated by all these para-professionals around me, until I noticed I too was in the same room as them. Yes, my itty-bitty self also earned the respect and intimidation power granted to those candidate invited to these visit days, or what we automatically called, Interview Days.
It was a nice experience. Very informal. Not what I expected. I mean, I also did not expect him to call me either or spend 24 minutes talking on the phone the day before my interview. I also did not expect to be so caught up in the moment that the moment far exceeded those 24 minutes and might as well have been the whole evening. But hey, it was the weekend for things to change, and change they did.
And then she suddenly realized…she reached her goal. Her long-time dream chased by endless hours and so much research and stress. All of this came to a point and she knew, she was capable. What a glorious moment, to find confirmation of her value and personality. She was here. She was qualified. But what she didn’t expect was that alongside her epiphany, she also felt strangely empty. She was done. Her goal reached. And shocked, she found she didn’t want to follow the road she had so long paved for herself. She asked herself silently…”What do I do now?”
– My IG account post.