Category: depression

“You have given me back a part of my heart that use to be, a long time ago, and didn’t exist anymore.”

My words to a special someone, C.

 

The last two years have been total crap. I am coming up to my meeting “anniversary” with T this coming May, and then my oh-so-special anniversary with bullshit shortly after that in July.

Two stinking years are almost past and I am still feeling the consequences of it all. I mean, it literally destroyed my drive for personal ambition and delayed my potential career another three years. But it also twisted my soul. It changed me and broke me like a shattered glass that never looks quite the same if you glue it back together yourself. My heart closed up and grew cold. I became a human statue.

I guess it makes sense. I mean, we all nurse our wounds and tread carefully when we are harmed, but I did not really know the extent of the damage caused until I am slowly being healed from them. I hope that I never inflict that kind of hurt on my friends and future family that I have experienced, as my relationships with both my parents will never be the same.

Then suddenly, some cute guy at work came into my life. Truthfully, I thought that it would be the same old deal like everyone else: thirsty ol’ mofo that just wants in my pants. Boy, was I wrong!

Has it ever happened that someone walked into your life and you just knew something was significant about them? I didn’t know it about a couple of my best friends at the time, but I don’t think I was paying too close attention, to be honest. Nowadays, I zone into anybody I feel this way towards and make sure that I am receptive to whatever they can teach me.

Something was significant about this guy and I was yet to find out.  I mean sure, I am extremely attracted to him. But what makes it worse is that he’s a kindred spirit. It doesn’t feel like I have known him forever, it truly doesn’t as there is so much left to learn of his journey, but it sure does feel like I know him–his soul, and he knows mine. Like we were made from the same sinews and tendons, flesh and blood, heart and spirit. I can honestly say, it is the most exhilarating thing to experience.

I am not looking to get married. I am pretty sure that he has a girlfriend or some type of commitment, we just have not talked about it. But I’m not talking like a crazy chick saying we are “meant to be,” because I can almost guarantee that is not the case here–I am not that special. But gosh, I’d be darned if I didn’t say we were connecting on some other level I cannot even form into words.

Instead of feeling super stupid and follow girl-protocol by staking claim to this man and writing my name with his last name, something is different. Maybe I have matured. It’s no longer about wanting to find my soul mate, or maybe I have resigned myself to being #foreveralone, but it is about making a connection and feeding my soul with whatever else somebody has to offer. Luckily for me, he has tons to offer.

Just in a short time alone, he has inspired me to go back to music, something I have neglected for the past 5-7 years. I know this sounds simple, but there was a time before all the shit, that I just felt all the #feelz. I had no boundaries as far as my heart and my feelings were concerned. I did not worry and I embraced that in my music when I played the guitar and the piano. There was a joy, a sincerity, an almost innocence? It has been a long time since that I have felt the same, and it so happened to be the other  day when I sat at the piano and composed a short little melody while thinking of C.

Leaving the hospital today, I realized that I am on the road to healing. Despite my horrendously nightmare of an emotional day yesterday, God is so faith that He still looks after all my little bitty needs. He knew I felt ugly, and that I need some sort of rejuvenation. I don’t understand why it had to be C to deliver the lesson(s), but so far, I am so grateful.

I think I have felt joy for the first time in two years. Like sincere joy deep in my belly.

I remain mind blown by His Grace. Thank you, C, but most importantly, thank you, Jesus.

Happy Easter. ❤