I am sure many women can connect to those sentiments I so ardently feel coursing through my veins, “You broke my heart, but I love you still.”
“You have given me back a part of my heart that use to be, a long time ago, and didn’t exist anymore.”
My words to a special someone, C.
The last two years have been total crap. I am coming up to my meeting “anniversary” with T this coming May, and then my oh-so-special anniversary with bullshit shortly after that in July.
Two stinking years are almost past and I am still feeling the consequences of it all. I mean, it literally destroyed my drive for personal ambition and delayed my potential career another three years. But it also twisted my soul. It changed me and broke me like a shattered glass that never looks quite the same if you glue it back together yourself. My heart closed up and grew cold. I became a human statue.
I guess it makes sense. I mean, we all nurse our wounds and tread carefully when we are harmed, but I did not really know the extent of the damage caused until I am slowly being healed from them. I hope that I never inflict that kind of hurt on my friends and future family that I have experienced, as my relationships with both my parents will never be the same.
Then suddenly, some cute guy at work came into my life. Truthfully, I thought that it would be the same old deal like everyone else: thirsty ol’ mofo that just wants in my pants. Boy, was I wrong!
Has it ever happened that someone walked into your life and you just knew something was significant about them? I didn’t know it about a couple of my best friends at the time, but I don’t think I was paying too close attention, to be honest. Nowadays, I zone into anybody I feel this way towards and make sure that I am receptive to whatever they can teach me.
Something was significant about this guy and I was yet to find out. I mean sure, I am extremely attracted to him. But what makes it worse is that he’s a kindred spirit. It doesn’t feel like I have known him forever, it truly doesn’t as there is so much left to learn of his journey, but it sure does feel like I know him–his soul, and he knows mine. Like we were made from the same sinews and tendons, flesh and blood, heart and spirit. I can honestly say, it is the most exhilarating thing to experience.
I am not looking to get married. I am pretty sure that he has a girlfriend or some type of commitment, we just have not talked about it. But I’m not talking like a crazy chick saying we are “meant to be,” because I can almost guarantee that is not the case here–I am not that special. But gosh, I’d be darned if I didn’t say we were connecting on some other level I cannot even form into words.
Instead of feeling super stupid and follow girl-protocol by staking claim to this man and writing my name with his last name, something is different. Maybe I have matured. It’s no longer about wanting to find my soul mate, or maybe I have resigned myself to being #foreveralone, but it is about making a connection and feeding my soul with whatever else somebody has to offer. Luckily for me, he has tons to offer.
Just in a short time alone, he has inspired me to go back to music, something I have neglected for the past 5-7 years. I know this sounds simple, but there was a time before all the shit, that I just felt all the #feelz. I had no boundaries as far as my heart and my feelings were concerned. I did not worry and I embraced that in my music when I played the guitar and the piano. There was a joy, a sincerity, an almost innocence? It has been a long time since that I have felt the same, and it so happened to be the other day when I sat at the piano and composed a short little melody while thinking of C.
Leaving the hospital today, I realized that I am on the road to healing. Despite my horrendously nightmare of an emotional day yesterday, God is so faith that He still looks after all my little bitty needs. He knew I felt ugly, and that I need some sort of rejuvenation. I don’t understand why it had to be C to deliver the lesson(s), but so far, I am so grateful.
I think I have felt joy for the first time in two years. Like sincere joy deep in my belly.
I remain mind blown by His Grace. Thank you, C, but most importantly, thank you, Jesus.
Happy Easter. ❤
Has there ever been a moment when you love your friends so much you might just do everything for? You get so excited to hang out or see them again, it doesn’t matter how long you have to drive or at what time, or anything really, because you know that friendship is more than just money. The time you give someone is more valuable than anything else because you can never get it back. Read More
I say #foreveralone quite a bit. Always a tongue-in-cheek expression and always just poking at my situation.
Generally, I’m pretty good at denial and just shoving all my feelings down my throat into some dark abyss in my soul. But as of late, I’ve just been struggling. These last two weeks, man, I seem to have been struggling quite a bit. Read More
I feel like I’m teetering.
Truthfully? I want go over and get back together with T and just do wicked, but amazing things. Screw my parents, screw everyone else. Read More